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Early last spring, a cousin I hadn’t seen in years confided that she had recently sent a tea bag to the White House.

“For what possible reason?” I asked.

At the time, I had heard only the vaguest of references to the brewing Tea Party movement, which would eventually become a thorn in the side of President Obama.

So, over the next few weeks, I paid closer and closer attention. on the Web site of Americans for Prosperity I found an entire list of people — the president, senators, congressmen — to whom protesters should send tea, along with practical advice on mailing: “Two first class stamps should cover the weight of a typical tea bag.”

Only in America will someone protest wasteful spending by mailing people things they don’t want for 88 cents a pop.

Of course, you can also opt for Priority Mail ($4.90), which guarantees that your tea bag will arrive in two to three business days.

Like many of you, I’ve wondered for months what the president did to take his mind off all this tea. Well, now we know: Among other things, he ate pie.

And, way too much of it, according to his physician who said last week that the president’s total cholesterol level was 209; up from 173 in 2007.

Can’t you hear the first lady asking, “Darling, what are you eating in the closet?”

“Nothing! And, don’t call me Darjeeling!”

Obama’s LDL (or “bad cholesterol”) clocked in at 138, which was a bit too high for Dr. no, who wants the president to bring the number down to below 130.

This is how things work in a democracy. can you imagine what would have happened if Henry VIII’s physician had instructed him to lay off dessert?

Yeah: bada-bing, bada-bang, bada-boom.

Anyway, once the president’s pie file was opened, the birds began to sing. his habit was seized upon by critics who said “Obama” was Kenyan for “a la mode” and demanded to know what else the president was hiding.

Then, on Tuesday, Al Jazeera released a tape of Osama bin Laden passing up pie at a recent terrorist luncheon in Pakistan — even though subsequent scrutiny of the video by CIA terror experts revealed telltale bits of lemon meringue in bin Laden’s beard along with traces of pie crust on his goodie bag.

The response in the American media was also swift and ruthless.

In its story on the president’s physical, the Los Angeles Times ran a 2008 file photo of then-President-elect Obama ogling a slice of cherry pie at Manny’s Coffee Shop and Deli, described as “a favorite spot for Chicago politicians.”

Is cherry the president’s favorite? The White House refused to say.

Still, the story (combined with photos like the one at Manny’s) suggested a president who seems cool, calm and collected while addressing the nation, before rushing home to a White House where he has pies hidden everywhere: in drawers, under desks, behind presidential portraits.

Does he run around at night like Neeley O’Hara in “The Valley of the Dolls”?

According to his doctor, the president still sneaks an “occasional” cigarette, but experts insist it’s tougher to cut ties with Ol’ mr. Nicotine than it is to say bye, bye to American pie.

His options, all of which fall under the umbrella of what doctors call “pie cessation therapy,” include:

* Pie gum: Studies have shown that pie-flavored gum, which contains 2 mg of pie, relieves pie cravings in more than 90 percent of the people who chew it. Pie gum tastes like pie, but has none of the nasty cholesterol. Flavors include apple, pumpkin, coconut custard and sweet potato.

* The pie patch: These transdermal patches are applied to the body and release small amounts of pie into the skin. unlike square-shaped nicotine patches, pie patches are shaped like pie, which seems to have a calming effect during periods of extreme withdrawal.

* Cessation medications: Pie-ban, Pie-codin and Pie-lenol have been found to be effective in some patients by blocking pie receptors in the brain. They’re often used in conjunction with helpful behavior modification DVDs such as “Just a Sliver” and “Pie Hard With a Vengeance.”

* Drinking tea: According to dieting experts, tea is a natural appetite suppressant that provides feelings of calmness after a meal. Green tea, especially, has been found to suppress cravings for sweets and has been praised as a way to lower cholesterol levels. (In one study, lab mice that consumed green tea extract had lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels than mice that drank coffee, smoked and sat at their desks all day.)

Well, there you go, mr. President!

And don’t tell me you don’t have any tea.

E-mail: ervolino@northjersey.com

Ervolino: Thank you all for helping the president with his diet